As the character of our next POTUS—Donald Trump—blooms right before our very eyes, it occurs to me it is not too soon to start imagining how future events might play out. Take that first Trump summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin. A lot is going to be riding on that one.
Trump and Putin had admired each other from afar but, now that the unthinkable has happened and the American people have lost their heads and gone and elected Trump as “leader of the free world,” they find themselves uneasy rivals on the world stage.
Putin has ridden bareback, his and the horse’s; he’s famous for his judo moves and has wrestled bears, among many manly exploits. Trump plays golf and, as he has assured us, whatever the size of his hands, it does not mean what Little Marco jerkily insinuated: “I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.”
But, in this first summit, Trump and Putin began squabbling immediately. The first issue was where to meet. As most countries of the Western world declined to host Trump, they settled on the out of the way Yesanguan Township in Badong County in China.
“Yeah, China,” Trump says. “China is a big country. Anybody can tell you, I only go to the biggest countries. No shrimpy countries for me.”
“I hate China,” Vlad says, “but, because you are hated all over the world and you’re too chicken to meet in Russia, we have to come to this hellhole.”
Not having anything to say to that, Trump tickled Putin’s belly button and began bragging about his wife.
“Melania is hot because I only sleep with the hottest women. You, your wife left you and the other one doesn’t want to be seen with you. What have you got to say to that?”
Through gritted teeth, Putin told Trump he’s risking an ass whipping.
“The graves and gulags are filled with men and women who have shown a lot less disrespect. Listen, asshole, I have wrestled bears and alligators,” said Putin, his left palm under his armpit and making fart noises as he flaps his arms. “I am the dictator of Russia. I can have the most beautiful women in the SovietUnion, which I am going to put back together. You, you only get our castoffs. Melania does not even have the decency to be Russian. She is from Slovenia. Where is that? My Alina can turn herself into a pretzel just to please me. Your Melania, she just lies there.”
The men again began pecking and pinching each other’s nipples as they bumped chests, cat-fighting.
“I’ve still got the biggest schlong,” Trump said.
“Oh, yeah? Keep dreaming,” came Putin’s reply, grabbing his crotch.
They resolved to put to bed once and for all who has the biggest penis. This post leans heavily (too heavily?) on an old Richard Pryor routine as Mudbone.
They figure it won’t be classy to just whip ‘em out right there in front of guests. They may both be monsters but they’re not animals, after all.
“Tonight, we’ll get my dog and go for a walk,” Putin said.
“A dog?” Trump said. “What are you up to?”
“Koni is a sweetheart. You’ll love him,” Putin said.
After the sun went down, the men wandered outside and started to walk. Koni immediately made for Trump’s leg and relieved himself. A wary Trump did not want to show his humiliation and followed Putin who seemed to know where he was going. They found themselves across the Sidu River Bridge, which, at 1,627 feet, is the world’s tallest bridge. Sidu stands across the belt of mountains separating the Sichuan Basin from the lowlands of eastern Hubei and the Yangtze River coursing along below them. It was dark and cold but both men felt the tickle at the same time.
“I got to piss,” Trump said and took his thing out.
“Me, too. I’ve got to pee so bad, I might flood the valley below,” Putin replied, whipping his out as Koni whimpered and let out a yelp.
“Goddamn, the water is cold!” Trump exclaimed.
“And deep, too,” Putin said, laughing.
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